Paradise Lost
by Justine Lark
Summary: Four brief "snapshots" from Edward's POV during the honeymoon. His thoughts while Bella slept the first night, when she had the good dream, when he went hunting and when she said she was late. Not explicit.
1. The Longest Night

_Author's Note: This story consists of four brief "snapshots" of Edward's thinking at different times during the honeymoon. This first chapter is Edward's thoughts after Bella falls asleep on their first night at the island. The next chapter, "Surrender," is the night of her good dream. The third chapter, "Hunting," is Edward's hunting trip off the island. The final chapter, "Impossible," is when she thinks he's in shock._

_The chapters have been rearranged so that they are in chronological order. Therefore the old reviews no longer match the chapter content. But it does make more sense this way!_

_I did not invent these characters. They belong to Stephenie Meyer._

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The Longest Night

When Bella fell asleep in the big white bed, I was absolutely euphoric. Everything felt right. I was completely relaxed. I felt like laughing out loud. Sex was like running. My body knew what to do, and it was easy to keep Bella safe. She used to worry we'd crash into a tree. That could never happen. I shielded her, took care of her, even as I carried her on the most exhilarating ride of our lives.

She slid closer to me in her sleep. I had brought her to a place where my cool skin was welcome to her, not something that would cause her to shiver and suffer. I had lain beside her and watched her through many, many nights, but this night was the first of a new era. At last I was entitled to be here. Her husband, not a boyfriend sneaking in and out through the window without her father's knowledge or permission. Her husband, not a monster unable to touch her without endangering her.

I reached over to stroke her hair. Something was caught in the soft strands. Bella was dusted in feathers. Both of us were. Had they fallen on us from the ceiling like confetti? Had my brothers arranged a practical joke? I lifted my head to survey the scene. It seemed I had destroyed a pillow. Or possibly two pillows. I smiled at the thought of my unconscious behaviors. Just like running. I might step on a plant as I swerved automatically to avoid a looming branch. I'd bitten the pillows to avoid causing injury. It was kind of funny. It proved how much I cherished Bella. Without even thinking about it, I'd wreck anything in my path to keep her whole. It was messy, though. Should I try to clean up? No. Nothing would drive me away from my love on this night. I could clean up in no time after she woke up.

Bella slept with her arm draped over me. I passed the time by reviewing my memories, starting with the moment she reached the bottom of the stairs and looked up and saw me waiting for her and ending with the moment she fell asleep. She was mine. Forever. I wondered how long she would sleep. I wondered if she'd be ready to "try" again when she woke up. I was.

Eventually, light began filtering in through the curtains. I glanced over at her, and my breath caught in my throat. My silent heart, which had been glowing with satisfaction, abruptly clenched in horror. Bruises were blooming all over her body. I'd _hurt_ her.

In an instant, my mood plummeted from heaven to the abyss. That was where I belonged. I'd thought myself _entitled_ to lie in her embrace? I was a complete lowlife. I'd damaged her _and not even realized. _I'd_ enjoyed _myself while hurting her. I couldn't think of the right name for a person who could do such a thing. A brute? Demon? Fiend? She trusted me with her beautiful, precious, delicate body, and I'd shown her violence. Fiend seemed to fit. So did the other names, really. I groaned in despair.

Bella slept on, and I was left to steep in my thoughts. The next few hours were some of the worst I had ever experienced. But it was right that I should feel this pain and self-hatred. By the time she woke up, my mood was well developed. My misery was a seething mixture of concern for her comfort, apprehension of her justified anger, and blazing guilt and condemnation for fully deserving it.

The only course I could see to follow was to confess my unforgiveable lack of judgment and control. I knew my love would forgive me. I did not deserve her mercy, but for every horror I'd brought into her life, she had always forgiven me. But I must learn from this episode. I should never have let her persuade me to try. My own selfish desire had overruled my instinct to protect Bella. I was resolved that I wouldn't succumb to any more pleading or bargaining, either immediately or at any time in the future.

When Bella awoke, our conversation did not unfold as I anticipated. She was perplexed by my mood. She was not angry. She scoffed at my concern. She even tried to deny my crime, but the mirror proved my guilt. Then she tried to minimize the situation. I was already aware she had regularly received cuts, scrapes, contusions, sprains, even fractures throughout her life. In no way did previous mishaps make it acceptable for her husband to injure her during sex. This truth seemed screamingly obvious to me, but she stubbornly refused to accept my point.

Then I realized with horror that I was still hurting her. Now her feelings, not her limbs, were my victims. She claimed that the bruises were of no consequence and she was actually feeling deep contentment, because she was completely fulfilled by our activities of the previous night. Her line of reasoning was not difficult for me to follow. If I wasn't next to her on cloud nine, then my experience hadn't been as magical as hers.

Could there be a worse husband anywhere? I'd battered my wife on the first night of our honeymoon, and I'd somehow managed to give her the impression that our lovemaking didn't please me. I began to offer fresh apologies, but she ordered me to stop blaming myself.

Having done so much harm, I should show my remorse however she thought best. My going easy on myself was the last thing that she should be asking for. But that was what she was asking for. With a huge effort I managed to shove away my negative feelings—all so appropriate, all so much weaker than I deserved— and stop sulking.

The only thing I had been right about was the fact that Bella was ready to make love again. But that would not happen until she was safe.

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_Author's Note: Please let me know what you think!_

_Before I wrote this, I agreed with Bella. I thought Edward was overreacting. If she's not upset, why does he have to be so upset? But now that I've thought it through from his perspective, I agree with him! What he did- even though completely unintentional- is not OK. The next chapter is the part where he gives in to her after her dream. I wanted to figure out why he did that, because at this point he was so dead set against it._


	2. Surrender

_Author's Note: One of the reviews asked for my version of this night. I had already thought of trying it, because Bella doesn't understand why Edward does what he does, and I knew the only way for me to understand him was to write his thoughts._

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Bella had not given up. She said nothing about her wishes, not even in her sleep. She took part in all the activities I suggested. She ate the meals I prepared for her. She slept next to me, cuddling up to me for relief from the steamy heat of the island.

But I knew her wishes hadn't changed. She was convinced that making love with me was worth the risk, worth the pain. How could anything be simultaneously so thrilling and so maddening?

Of course, I was ecstatic to know how much she'd enjoyed being with me that way. My crystal clear memories tormented me. I could remember every second, every sensation. At first I actually replayed these moments on purpose, in the hope that the memory alone could satisfy me, could substitute for the real thing. No such luck. I'd been crazy to think the memories would help. They only fueled my desire. To touch her again, to see and feel her reaction, to make it last longer, to drown with her in the pleasure again. My mind and body were full of ideas I had no hope of putting into action. But I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Our honeymoon was like a whirlpool. Together we'd plunged in. The feelings had swept us up and left us dizzy with joy. But the current was too strong for her. It wasn't safe. She'd survived the first night, but that was no guarantee. I could see it, even if she wouldn't. So I had to get us out. She didn't want to go. I felt like I was pulling her with me as I climbed a rope suspended over the vortex. It would be so easy to let go and get carried away again in the warm water. I was barely hanging on. But I couldn't let her know how hard it was for me. She'd only fight more fiercely.

Despite what I'd done to her, she wasn't angry. Even so, I refused to continue to do things for which she should be angry. It was my responsibility to protect her priceless body and soul. Unfortunately, rather than cooperate, I could tell she was on the lookout for an opportunity to slip past my guard.

Her campaign began subtly. She was an expert strategist. She began wearing silky nightgowns to bed. Naturally, I noticed. She was so alluring. The sight of her in those outfits made me want to slide my hands all over her and feel the heat through the sleek, thin fabric. But I made no comment.

She raised the stakes. She strolled into the bedroom in a lacy, black negligee. My system reacted instantly. My mind immediately lit up with everything I wanted to do with her. I couldn't handle this much excitement.

I imagined the skin displayed before me covered in bruises, as it had been following our first night. That vision helped calm me down.

"You look beautiful. You always do." And I will make sure you always will.

She climbed into my arms. I took a deep breath of her intoxicating scent. It thrilled me and soothed me at the same time.

"I'll make you a deal," she murmured.

I wasn't going to be caught that way again. "I will not make any deals with you," I said firmly.

She wanted to give me something in exchange for giving into her. But the only thing I wanted and needed was for her to be safe, and it was already in my power to ensure that.

"Dang it. And I really wanted…Oh well."

Something _she_ wanted. It had to be a trap. But I'd spotted the trap, which meant I could avoid it. I'd find out what she wanted and give it to her, without agreeing to an exchange.

"…It's really not such a big difference. It's not like I'm going to get crow's feet in the next year."

How had everything gotten so mixed up? Nearly from the first moment she had understood what I was, she wanted to become like me. Just as fervently, I wanted her to stay as she was. We spent months in a deadlock. Eventually, my impulsive actions brought us to the attention of the Volturi, and they forced my hand. I accepted what I could no longer prevent, what Alice had insisted was inevitable. But now, on the island, I finally understood all the advantages. I had no intention of revealing my new impatience for her transformation— it would only be right if she were truly ready— but I was desperate to make love to her again, and that was the only way it could happen.

Now, just when changing would give us both what we wanted, she wanted to stay human. She was tempting me with two things I wanted so badly- more human time for her and more intimacy for us. But along with the desire was the fear for her safety. My frustration spilled out. "Why are you _doing_ this to me? Isn't it hard enough without all of this?

But she must not know how hard it was for me. That wasn't fair. This situation wasn't her fault. It was my inhuman strength and my lack of control that stirred the water into a whirlpool. I shouldn't expect her to congratulate me for the willpower required to protect her. Besides, my fear of harming her, of losing her to the deceptive undertow, was strong enough to keep us anchored to the rope, well away from the danger, no matter how she tried to loosen my grip. It had to be.

"It doesn't matter. I won't make any deals with you."

She pleaded. She pulled herself close and kissed me. But I was resolved. I kissed her back, but we both knew it wasn't going to go any farther.

I tried to help her fall asleep, but she began telling me about her dreams. Usually I had clues about her dreams from her sleep-talking, but through the island nights, her voice had been as silent as her mind. Her dreams bothered her, I could tell, but she shrugged them off. I had no idea how to help her. If she wanted to stay, I'd sing her to sleep, and if she wanted to leave, we could be on our way within the hour.

"Can't we stay a while longer?"

At last, a request I could agree to. "We can stay as long as you want, Bella," I vowed. She fell asleep as soon as I began humming her song.

Once again, her sleep was quiet, leaving me alone with my thoughts. We both wanted the exquisite intimacy again. In my mind, that kind of love was only possible after she became an indestructible vampire. In her mind, that kind of love was only possible while she remained a fragile human, controlled by her hormones, not by bloodthirst. It went against all of my instincts to choose what I preferred over what Bella preferred. But it also went against all of my instincts to endanger what I prized more than anything.

Everything I wanted, everything I remembered, everything I feared spun around in my mind. I forced myself to think through the situation step by step. Bella was never going to accept the plain truth that as a lover I posed a threat to her. She was not going make it easy for me. It was not her job to make it easy for me. She was wonderfully human. Feelings rushed through her body along with her blood, and she couldn't help what she wanted. I wanted her to want me, despite the fact that her desire intensified my inner struggle.

I had savored human blood, even Bella's incomparable blood, and I knew from painful experience that drinking it made it vastly harder to resist. The same inconvenient logic clearly applied to sex. We'd tasted the apple. Now that we were married, it was no longer forbidden. It was divinely good, and it was incredibly difficult not to go back for more. It was nearly impossible. But it wasn't truly impossible. The only thing I wanted more than making love to Bella was for her to be safe and whole. No matter what she wore, no matter what she said, no matter what she did, I would be strong enough to keep her safe.

Suddenly I felt her body tense in my arms, and her eyes snapped open.

"Are you all right, sweetheart?" I asked gently, stroking her hair. She must have had another dream about the Volturi.

Hot tears poured down her face. I knew my gift was useless here and now, but I couldn't help straining to hear the thoughts that were upsetting her. "What's wrong?" I begged her to share what was in her mind. The only way for me to know was for her to speak.

"It was only a dream," she said brokenly.

I tried to comfort her. "Did you have another nightmare? It wasn't real."

"It was a good dream."

Why would a good dream leave her sobbing? How could I help her if I didn't understand what disturbed her? "Why are you crying?"

"Because I woke up," she cried, burying her wet face against my neck.

It had been decades since I was capable of shedding tears, but I understood bitter disappointment. It was so painful for me to witness her distress. I needed her to calm down. "Tell me about it. Maybe that will help."

But she couldn't seem to form sentences. What was so awful that she couldn't describe it? What was so good that she couldn't bear waking from it?

She didn't speak. Instead, her arms tightened around me, and her mouth enveloped mine. In a flash the movement of her lips and the heat of her breath told me more than words ever could. We were about to make love again. The very thing that wasn't OK, that I shouldn't let happen. I pushed her away. "No, Bella," I gasped.

She slumped in grief. Her emotions were out of control. Tears flooded her eyes. I didn't understand what was going on with her.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. My heart was jolted. She didn't want to test my strength, to undermine my resolve. She would give up what she wanted most, because I couldn't handle it. If only I were worthy of this love. If only I could satisfy her desire without damaging her.

"I can't, Bella, I can't!"

"Please," she whispered. "Please, Edward?"

I didn't want to give in. I didn't give in. Instead, I discovered I had _already_ given in. As soon as her lips had touched mine, I'd let go of the rope. We were falling into the whirlpool, and there was no way for me to stop us from going under. I was terrified. I was electrified. I ripped the thin fabric out of my way. My body had taken over. I felt the excitement surge over me. I'd stopped thinking, but two thoughts remained in my mind as I surrendered to the warmth of her mouth, her skin. _Make this good for her. Don't hurt her._

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_Author's Note: Did I get it right?_

_The next chapter tells about Edward's hunting trip off the island and offers a reason for what took him so long._


	3. Hunting

Hunting

Bella slept so soundly here. She barely moved, and she never spoke. The climate of the island seemed to exhaust her. Either that or my rapidly increasing expertise as a lover. I smiled at the thought of our time together earlier in the evening, which I'd managed without the slightest additional damage to any of Esme's possessions. But I shouldn't feel too smug. Her torpor most likely resulted from the weather as well as my skills in bed.

She lay completely limp on top of me. I knew the heat and humidity kept her close to my cool body. But perhaps she also just craved the skin contact the way I did. Very gently, I ran my fingers up and down her spine. I was going to have to slip away from her, just for a while. I'd put off this separation night after night, but I really needed to hunt.

It had been more than two weeks since I'd gone out with my brothers for my "bachelor party." That had been a busy night. "You should drink some more, Edward," Jasper had advised solemnly. "Yeah, you'll need your strength," agreed Emmett. Then they broke up laughing. I didn't need to be a mind-reader to know what they were thinking. My brothers were so hilarious. Their greater knowledge and experience made them act so superior. But I was catching up in a hurry.

I slid carefully out of bed and went down the hall to write a note to my wife. Seconds later I returned and placed it on the pillow where she would find it if she woke up. But I didn't think that would happen. She hadn't moved a muscle since she'd fallen asleep.

Carlisle had suggested where I should go to hunt. We didn't want to disturb the rather limited ecosystem on the island, so he and Esme had always returned to the wild areas on the mainland to quench their thirst. I pulled on a pair of swimming trunks and walked down to the beach. I could hear Bella's steady heartbeat and breathing. I could sense her delicious aroma in the air. For a few hours I had to go without these things that were so essential to me. Only a very powerful need could enable me to tear myself away. After days of postponement, I couldn't deny that need any longer. I plunged into the warm water.

While I was out at sea I swam on the surface of the water. Away from the light pollution of human habitation, the sky was brilliant with stars. I remembered telling Bella that she was like a meteor, blazing a bright path through my world. That was a feeble way of putting it. She was a supernova. Closer to the coast, I dove deeper and swam underwater. It wouldn't do for anyone to spot a lone swimmer so far out at night. Racing through the water felt wonderful. In a few minutes, I scrambled onto a deserted beach.

The forest was full of life. I headed inland at a steady pace, alert for the sounds or scent of my prey. I crossed the trail of a big cat. The scent was similar to that of the mountain lions we enjoyed in our region. The pumas here were very closely related to my favorite quarry. I increased my speed to track it down.

The scent became hotter, fresher. The fire in my throat, which had been troubling me for days, blazed up to scorching as I anticipated a meal. I could hear the animal now, moving ahead of me. It could feel my pursuit. It streaked ahead, but I knew I was faster. It was heading for a stream. The running water was easy for me to detect. As the cat burst out of the trees, I was right behind it. I stopped abruptly. It wasn't a puma. It was a jaguar. I shouldn't hunt a threatened species. It leaped into the water, swam to the opposite bank, and was soon out of range of my senses.

At least I knew the scent now. I wouldn't waste any more time chasing jaguars. I wanted to get back to the island before Bella noticed my absence. The stream was a good place to pick up the hunt. I noticed a herd of deer some distance downstream. As prey, they were not nearly as alluring as the carnivore, but taking them was more ecologically responsible. I'd make do. I captured a young deer and drained it quickly. I was so thirsty that the taste was fairly pleasant. The herd had fled at my approach, of course, but I could easily run it down and grab another animal. I set off through the forest again.

Once again, I suddenly broke off the pursuit. My body had instantly kicked into high alert. There was another trail here. The scent was faint, but unmistakable. Two vampires had passed this way. It could be very dangerous to encounter others of my kind here, on their territory. Obviously, they outnumbered me. I'd be able to read their mood and intentions, and I'd probably be able to outrun them, but it was best to avoid meeting them.

I should head in a different direction. But something was not quite right. I frowned. The scent of vampire was diluted somehow. I didn't know what it could mean. Slowly, I followed the trail, trying to make out the story behind it. A human scent was part of the bouquet. Perhaps a human had been exploring here, and the vampires had hunted it down.

My teeth clenched. I wished desperately that I did not have to belong to a race of monsters. When I had returned to my parents after my years in the wilderness, I was determined to leave humans alone. I would subdue my instincts and refrain from harming them. When I first encountered Bella, the extreme temptation nearly drove me wild, but I had managed to let her live. Being near her quickly changed my mission. Instead of simply avoiding doing harm to humans, I was compelled to protect one of them. Loving and guarding Bella had become the purpose of my existence.

But now we were married. We'd taken vows. She was my family. I'd thought that falling in love with Bella had made me a new man, but marrying her seemed to have left an additional mark on me. I was starting to feel that I had to do everything I could to protect anyone connected to her, and in the end that meant every one of her kind. This was clearly impossible. Vampires were vicious predators, and humans were our helpless prey. I'd never be able to protect all the victims or persuade the other killers out there to follow our way of life. Then again, I was planning to live forever…

In the meantime, what should I do about the situation? Carlisle and Esme were not aware of any vampires living in this area. They might well be simply passing through. This forest was well away from human settlements that would interest others of our kind. Still, it would be sensible to follow the trail for a while and see if I could pick up any more information to share with my parents.

I moved swiftly through the trees for miles. Eventually I had to concede that I wasn't learning anything more. The human aroma was still blended with the vampire scent. It confused me. Maybe I was imagining things. I took a deep breath and forced myself to focus. I should get back to my love. And first I should drink more, or I'd have to leave her again. Deer were grazing to the northwest. It wasn't long before I had dispatched two of the slower members of the group. I disposed of the carcasses and was preparing to take another animal, when my head snapped up. Another hunter was targeting the same herd. A puma, not a jaguar this time. I could tell the difference now. I abandoned the deer and chased it down. It was much more satisfying than the herbivores.

The sun was already up. I raced back to the coast. I was exposed to the sun, but the beach was deserted. Nobody was around to see my glittering surface as I struck out for the island. Wandering around the forest had kept me out much longer than I'd planned. But I'd had a successful night. My eyes would be golden. I knew Bella preferred them that way. I wasn't sure if she liked my eyes lighter because she knew it meant I was less bothered by my thirst or because she simply found it more attractive.

The closer I got to Bella the more my mind was filled with her. I pictured her eyes dark with desire. Did passion change the appearance of my eyes? Did she notice? At certain moments, I always had to close my eyes. Making love was an overwhelming sensory experience, and I had to stay in control. I could hear her pounding heart and her ragged breathing. I could feel her skin flush. Everything around me and inside me combined to send me out of my mind. At least when my feelings were threatening to unhinge me completely, I could cut off the electrifying sight of her passionate response.

I was only a few minutes away now. The idea that very soon I would be seeing her enchanting beauty, inhaling her enticing scent, touching her warm, soft body made me shiver with excitement. Love and desire sent me flying through the water. Would she be awake? Did she miss me? Had she eaten breakfast? How soon could I get her into bed again? I was eager to transform my anticipation into new memories. Maybe this time I could keep my eyes open.

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_Author's Note: This chapter was hard for me to write. I think I do best (and have the most fun) with emotional scenes and dialogue between characters, and I've never been hunting. So I really wasn't sure how to portray Edward's hunting trip. But I wanted to give it a try. I'd like to thank juliejuliejulie for some helpful feedback. Please let me know what you think- good or bad, I'd love to hear it! _


	4. Impossible

Impossible

She rummaged in the suitcase and fished out a blue box. She held it up for me to see. I recognized it. It contained tampons. I didn't understand. My mind seemed stuck. What did that have to do with her food poisoning?

"What? Are you trying to pass off this illness as PMS?"

"No," she said brokenly. "No, Edward. I'm trying to tell you that my period..."

In one part of my mind I heard her complete the sentence, "…is five days late."

But the rest of my mind already knew. I could always tell. How could a vampire not know? I should have known. I had known, but I hadn't understood. What was wrong with me?

There was too much noise in my head. Thoughts were invading my mind at top volume, but there was nobody present whose thoughts I could hear. All these thoughts were mine.

Pregnant? With _my_ child?

Impossible.

Why didn't Carlisle warn me?

I should never have let this happen.

But how could I have known?

Could she be happy? Did she want this? Many times she said she didn't want children. But she wanted me to make love to her before she changed. Her one request. The only way this could happen. Did she secretly hope? But no, then she wouldn't be so shocked, so confused.

Is she afraid? Appalled? She didn't want a child. Now she is having one. It's already making her exhausted and sick. She must be terrified.

Is it safe? It can't be safe. It grew so fast. I was always so careful to keep my venom from infecting her. But I wasn't careful about this. Something else had gotten inside her. Anything from my body could not be healthy for her.

Can I undo this? Fix it? It's my responsibility. My fault.

I had feared the act of love would hurt her. I had been positively giddy to think that it hadn't. She had liked it. She wanted more. I should have listened to my intuition.

Everything I had done to Bella since the first moment I caught her scent on the air was suddenly clear to me. I was cursed. The love she gave me, the love I longed to return had always turned to pain for her. The closer I got, the worse the results. The pattern was undeniable. I merely brought her to watch me play baseball with my family, and she ended up terrorized, injured, nearly killed. Now we'd been as close as two people can become. So of course the consequence was that much more serious.

Bella knelt next to me, and I could feel her patting me. What did she want? I couldn't think of anything I could do for her that wouldn't make this situation worse. She removed the phone from my pocket. Who was she going to call? She began talking. Someone must have called me. Strange that I didn't hear it. Who was she talking to? Alice? No, Carlisle. What were they talking about?

"I swear something _moved_ inside me just now."

Her words jolted me. Whatever needed to be done, needed to be done without further delay. Carlisle would tell me what to do. My father was the only one who could help us. The only one who could save her. I held out my hand for the phone.

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_Author's Note: That is kind of short, but that is what I imagine went through Edward's mind while he appeared to be in shock. Please let me know what you think! _


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